Mariah Carey's sophomore release, Emotions, was my favorite Mariah Carey album. One of the hit songs, I believe, was Can't Let Go, the obligatory sad tale about not being able to let go of a relationship when your lover has moved on and left you behind. Over the past year I have had a reckoning with so much that has happened during my childhood and teenage years. Time gives us the benefit of hindsight which allows us to evolve and learn lessons from situations and circumstances in our lives. But ever so often we get stuck on something, whether knowingly or unknowingly, which influences our behaviour and the way we conduct ourselves. One such case: I mentioned in my previous blog, Homo On the Loose, that I had been raped by an uncle at 5-7 years old. As I grew older and came into my sexuality it was a promiscuous sexuality expressing itself. Little did I know even in my early 30s that promiscuity among childhood survivors of rape and incest is common place or text book behavior. Children subconsciously seek to repeat the dreadful experiences that stole their innocence, believing that they can somehow restore something that was lost. But instead they end up in a ferocious circle seeking a love and affection to replace that dreadful first encounter that stole their innocence.
I have, over the past year, wondered what my life could have been, would have been had I not been raped; I wonder what my life would have been had my mother been home on that night; I wonder what my life would have been had my parents not thrown me out on the street; what my life would have been if my mother had stood up for me and protected me as her first born child. I can't let go of what my life could have been like. I have spent at least the past year pining over what was lost in my life trying find the strength to restore the scattered pieces of my childhood and teenage years to find some resolution. I have often felt like the Architect in The Matrix: Reloaded: trying to solve variables in an equation one by one seeking resolution. But emotionally, the information is too much for me to sort through. I am an intellectual, not an emotional person. I rationalize, think, ponder, weigh, judge, analyze, etc. I do not emote or feel or become impressed by. That is not to say I do not respond to emotions, I am probably 80 percent intellect and 20 percent emotions. My life is viewed and experienced through my mind, not my emotions. Hence, in dealing with emotions I am on unfamiliar ground.
I know there is a better me out there, around here or somewhere. I can sense him. But the road in getting to him has to be put together, I suspect, from the resolution of my past in some way, shape or form. This is what I feel. But, I do recall a dream I had some years ago at the end of a long and difficult few years. The dream seemed to suggest that before I started on a journey, led by a young child, I had amnesia. Now that I recall that dream, I recall that perhaps that was my instruction for the next part of my life, that I must let go of, or forget what came before so that what comes next may take shape. But truthfully, I have not yet learned to do this, still feeling the energy from that wounded little boy and teenager, oh so many years ago. I can't let go! I feel as if letting go will betray all that hurt and pain that he suffered and carried within his little bosom, that no one understood, that no one could share in or explain. I feel an allegiance to all that tribulation. A part of me feels to let it go would be to leave that little boy back in the past stranded with no help or resolution, as if I had failed him, left him to be devoured by his phantoms and demons. But I have carried him with me for so long. He is my past that is obscuring my future. I must find a way to let go without feeling guilty, so that I can move on for both our sakes. Perhaps I can rescue him by becoming what I need to become and to do that I must let go. Perhaps one day when I have moved further down the path ahead of me I will understand how necessary it was to move past my childhood, to unshackle myself and walk free without the weight of my past dragging behind me. Let it be so.
I have, over the past year, wondered what my life could have been, would have been had I not been raped; I wonder what my life would have been had my mother been home on that night; I wonder what my life would have been had my parents not thrown me out on the street; what my life would have been if my mother had stood up for me and protected me as her first born child. I can't let go of what my life could have been like. I have spent at least the past year pining over what was lost in my life trying find the strength to restore the scattered pieces of my childhood and teenage years to find some resolution. I have often felt like the Architect in The Matrix: Reloaded: trying to solve variables in an equation one by one seeking resolution. But emotionally, the information is too much for me to sort through. I am an intellectual, not an emotional person. I rationalize, think, ponder, weigh, judge, analyze, etc. I do not emote or feel or become impressed by. That is not to say I do not respond to emotions, I am probably 80 percent intellect and 20 percent emotions. My life is viewed and experienced through my mind, not my emotions. Hence, in dealing with emotions I am on unfamiliar ground.
I know there is a better me out there, around here or somewhere. I can sense him. But the road in getting to him has to be put together, I suspect, from the resolution of my past in some way, shape or form. This is what I feel. But, I do recall a dream I had some years ago at the end of a long and difficult few years. The dream seemed to suggest that before I started on a journey, led by a young child, I had amnesia. Now that I recall that dream, I recall that perhaps that was my instruction for the next part of my life, that I must let go of, or forget what came before so that what comes next may take shape. But truthfully, I have not yet learned to do this, still feeling the energy from that wounded little boy and teenager, oh so many years ago. I can't let go! I feel as if letting go will betray all that hurt and pain that he suffered and carried within his little bosom, that no one understood, that no one could share in or explain. I feel an allegiance to all that tribulation. A part of me feels to let it go would be to leave that little boy back in the past stranded with no help or resolution, as if I had failed him, left him to be devoured by his phantoms and demons. But I have carried him with me for so long. He is my past that is obscuring my future. I must find a way to let go without feeling guilty, so that I can move on for both our sakes. Perhaps I can rescue him by becoming what I need to become and to do that I must let go. Perhaps one day when I have moved further down the path ahead of me I will understand how necessary it was to move past my childhood, to unshackle myself and walk free without the weight of my past dragging behind me. Let it be so.
I remember your talking about this before. Sorry this still plagues you.
ReplyDeleteSo am I.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty. This was, from my perspective, very therapeutic. Many survivors of molestation attempt to medicate their pain with, as you so eloquently stated, hyper sexual activity, drinking, drugs, and various other addictions...all in some way to cope with the damage that was done.
ReplyDeleteMy belief is that you've taken the first real step to healing by just talking about it. Too many people do the reverse and hope that it will just go away. Memories do fade but the pain remains.
Anyway...
This is why I despise child molesters. I don't care if it is a incurable compulsion. They literally destroy lives.
Well, keep on Thomas. The child inside of you wants to be heard and acknowledged. Please tell him, for yourself, that NONE of that was his fault.
*HUGS*
Toddy, words are my closest friends and they rarely fail me but I do not even know what to say to such beautiful words of encouragement, so I will simply say, "thank you", my friend!
ReplyDelete